My Hard Road

I walked a mile with Pleasure.
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!
Robert Browning Hamilton, “Along the Road”

To say that this year has been joyous, exciting and filled with fun experiences for me would be totally inaccurate to how I truly feel. Since I hope that perhaps someday someone who is experiencing what I am currently experiencing will read this post, I will just tell the truth, its hard, really hard emotionally and physically right.
Let me back up to our new year celebration bringing in 2011 the people I love! I was soooooo excited for this year! We had so many fun trips planned, including going to "Harry Potter World" with my Mom and Sister, visiting Russia and Estonia with my husband, going to Florida with the in-laws, hopefully getting pregnant and having a healthy baby sometime around the holiday's...I had the year planned out and it was going to be great. And then life happened. My Daughter was diagnosed with precocious puberty and was seeing multiple doctors quite frequently, later she was diagnosed with a tumor that had to be taken out in late May. I got pregnant and had terrible morning sickness for months, the trips I had wanted to go on didn't happen, My husband still hates his job and it seems that no matter how much applying for new employment always gets denied. Then my pregnancy gets put into the "High Risk" category because the baby is diagnosed with Down syndrome and an unknown heart condition. I have months now to worry about the delivery, the NICU and how to balance my life between being a Wife and Mother, and not just living in the hospital until my new baby is released.
It seems heavier and heavier on my soul to be carrying this DS baby and I honestly don't know why I am pregnant, or wish I could go back and undue what was done and just have an only child. Somehow I suppose that would make everything better. My daughter see's me crying as I still am throwing up over the toilet or just break down in tears when I am driving or talking with someone. She is so sweet and asks in the cutest, littlest voice "Ok mommy? Ok?" And I just give her a hug and a kiss and say I'm ok because I'm not sure if these emotions are because I am pregnant and my hormones are out of control or if life really truly is just so hard to carry right now.
I guess I couldn't just expect a life in the lap of luxury, as much as I wanted it to be that way, and for some reason this year was determined to be the year that truly knocks off a few of my hard edges and makes me a bit more compassionate, soft and understanding to others with the trials they go through. I have come to the realization that the Lord truly knew where to hit my heart the most. He knew that if I was sick, I wouldn't grow as much, so he gave medical issues to my daughters, and knew that this would be the hardest thing for me to handle right now.
So what keeps me going, why do I wake up in the morning and trudge through another day. I guess I know that someday the stresses that I currently carry will lighten and this will just become life for me. I know that trials come to all, and I have been hand picked for these ones. Most importantly I trust in God, and put my Faith in his plan. I read the scriptures and conference talks like crazy right now because I find peace when I turn to Him.
"Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give rest unto your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mathew
So, yes my road is hard and heavy to carry right, but I am trying, trying so hard to remember the blessings of this year outweigh the sorrows and heartache. For example, we are having another baby girl in a few months, My husband went to Russia, My Daughter doesn't have cancer...