"The Race of Life"

A week before Ruby was born I wrote a list of everything that HAD to be accomplished before my baby girl was born. I assumed the Lord would take my list into account and see to it that I had all of my ducks in a row before our 2nd child arrived. Looking back I realize they were trivial things that didn't matter too much, for example: stock up the fridge/pantry with food, make sure all laundry is done, organize Rose's closet, have the bathrooms cleaned, and all floors vacuumed/swept. Okay, so maybe that list doesn't seem so trivial, but in retrospect to me, now they are. I guess I realized that all of things were accomplished eventually. Ruby did come a week earlier than planned and things were left unfinished at home for weeks/months. In fact some things became a non-issue. Thankfully to the wonderful people who we are surrounded by, my fridge was filled and so was my pantry, and it wasn't by me, in fact, I didn't even walk into a grocery store for at least 2 months after Ruby had come and gone. (I just about had a panic attack walking into Kroger that first time after months of being away.) Family and friends came and cleaned my fridge, did my dishes, scrubbed my bathroom did the laundry and folded it. They even vacuumed and swept my floors. Thinking back on this service brings tears of gratitude to my eye's! In a time in my life when truly the very most important things were spending every minute I could in the hospital, holding my Ruby's hand, I had peace and new that at that moment I was where I needed to be. Or when I was able to spend time with my Rosie it was not spent cleaning and rushing about the house, it was spent imagining with her, reading stories, watching movies and snuggling.
  Eventually, I of course have had to write my lists again, but the priority's aren't so high. If something on the list does not get crossed off, that's okay. I have written it down and know that eventually after my Rose has been interacted with and snuggled and I have been able to visit with my husband I can get to all of that. The most important things are no longer things to me. The most important things are spending quality time with my husband, daughter, extended family and friends.
President Thomas S. Monson gave a beautiful talk in last April's conference called "The Race of Life". I wanted to post it on here! He truly speaks of where the greatest peace and joy can be found!

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-race-of-life?lang=eng&media=audio

What Happened to Harry Potter?

So, as many of you know early in march I lost my appetite had way too many food aversions and we began to buy ready made meals for a while until I could open up a cookbook and not gag reading through the ingredients...yep, I'm pregnant, again. I was just able yesterday to finally pull out my Harry Potter cookbook and look through it a bit, but until I return to normal (early November) I am not committing to anything that involves food. I still would like to post a bit about our grieving process as it is therapeutic for me to write out what I am feeling though.
 Yesterday marked our 8th month of loosing our Ruby. Its crazy how quickly time has gone, or perhaps its just that we become numb to day's, weeks and months and now just look forward to being reunited with her again. Either way Brian and I are realizing more and more that grieving is a roller coaster. We will be cruising along in our life and things will be great, we have been very, very blessed and have so many things to be grateful for, and then it will hit. Like a great bomb I will close my eye's at night and there will be Ruby, in her last moments, I see the doctors, I see the faces, I hear the words and I don't believe them, I know she will live, people don't die-at least they don't die in Disney Movies. So then there I am in shock, holding my newly deceased infant in my arms waiting for her to wake up and she doesn't, and she won't, not until Christ comes again and we can all be reunited. It seems so unfair that anyone should have to hold their dead baby/child, and then I think about it and I feel that I am not being the fair one-I want to keep my seriously ill baby alive. I want it for me so I can hold her and kiss her. And so easily forget that She would have multiple open heart surgery's and suffer a life time of limiting disabilities. So, is it fair that God took her home to him? Was the tender mercy that He gave us Ruby who touched our hearts and changed us forever, even if it was for a short time. And was their a second tender mercy by Him taking her home so that she would not have to live a life full of suffering and pain? I think the answer is yes to both of these, or at least that is how I get through my nightly visions of her last few hours/days. Not all my dreams are bad, I have been blessed with sweet peaceful dreams too. In fact I had one earlier this week that Brian and I were heading to the hospital to pick our Ruby up and bring her home with us, the only problem with that dream is that I woke up...
  I found this quote yesterday and loved how absolutely accurate it was with the grief that we have been feeling;
 "I was wholly at peace, at ease and at rest, so that there was nothing upon earth which could have afflicted me. This lasted only for a time, and then I was changed...I felt there was no ease or comfort for me except faith, hope and love and truly I felt very little of this. And then presently God gave me again comfort and rest for my soul...And then again I felt the pain, and then afterwards the delight and the joy, now the one and now the other, again and again."-Julian of Norwich
 Perhaps our feelings are the new norm. The roller coaster of emotion is just part of our new life. Tears will hit anywhere at any moment and emotions will take us back, and then the next minute we will be at peace and ease again. The hardest part of dealing with these emotions is to not get frustrated with yourself. I have to keep the saying "2 steps forward, 3 steps back" as being a part of my emotional health program. The thing that brings me great peace is knowing that our new family of the broken hearted  understand exactly how we feel and understand these crazy emotions!

1 Ne. 21 vs. 15-16 Book of Mormon (also in Isaiah 49, Bible)
  "For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son(daughter) of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy wall are continually before me."

FHE Preparedness and 72 hour kit

Its Monday again, Time for FHE:)

 Here is tonights outline:

Opening Songs, Family Mission Statement, Prayer

Lesson: If Ye Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear, Elder L. Tom Perry, 1995
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/if-ye-are-prepared-ye-shall-not-fear?lang=eng 

If you would like you can watch this short movie clip on what to put into her 72 hour kit you can, it is helpful:   http://video.about.com/lds/How-to-Make-a-72-Hour-Kit.htm

Activity:I made a list earlier today of things we have around the house to put into our kits. Gather some bags/backpacks that you are going to put your things in. And then we are going to have a scavenger hunt around the house to gather them. 

When that is finished we are going to discuss what our family plan is in case of a fire, who will grab what and where we will meet up, also where the fire extinguisher is in our house. We also will come up with a Tornado plan(unfortunately we deal with these a lot more than I would like! So its time to have a plan!)

I think we are going to go swimming after all of this running around! Its still hot out!

Closing Prayer

Snack: Shaved Ice

Happy Family Night:)

Family Home Evening-Celebrating our Liberty

I think people who do family night get into their own routine's, but if you are wanting something new to try to energize the evening feel free try out some of our idea's. This is a bit long, but I want you to know what we do, in the future I won't use as much detail. Keep me posted on what you have done or do for FHE, I always need new/more idea's.

Here is our FHE outline for tonight:

Song: Family Night, The Family(We always sing these two songs A Capella to start our family night. We let Rose run around the couch as a way to help get a bit of energy out while we sing)  
    "Family Night"Childrens Song Book pg. 195- http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=2&searchseqstart=195&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=195&searchsubseqend=ZZZ

     "The Family" Childrens Song Book pg. 194- http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=2&searchseqstart=194&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=194&searchsubseqend=ZZZ

 Prayer-Dad

Our Family Mission Statement: Brian and I wrote our own Family mission Statement for FHE when we were first married and worked on Memorizing it. We recite it every family night and is a good reminder of what our family means to each other and how we are going to support each other. I will put it at the bottom of this post in case you are wondering what we wrote.

Song:Rosie-Article of faith 3 (we have been working  learning the Article's of Faith the last few months. Rose knows the first 2 so we are working on the 3rd.) You can choose a song that goes along with the FHE theme if you would like. 

http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=2&searchseqstart=123&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=123&searchsubseqend=ZZZ

Lesson: Mommy

We are going to be watching "The Title of Liberty" short video, and then talk about our freedoms. Since Rosie is still young I'm sure it will be a very short discussion.  I am wanting to start teaching Rose The Pledge of Allegiance and figured this would be a great time to do it.

         Title of Liberty video: http://www.lds.org/friend/online-activities/videos/scripture-stories/book-of-mormon?lang=eng#32-captain-moroni-and-the-title-of-liberty

        The Pledge of Allegiance: http://www.homeofheroes.com/hallofheroes/1st_floor/flag/1bfc_pledge_print.html

Closing Prayer:Rosie

Activity: We are going to color these flags, and then go swimming...its HOT out! Time to cool off! :)

         http://www.united-states-flag.com/american-flag-coloring-book.html

"Our Family Mission is:

To Love each other,

To understand and have Patience with each other,

To strengthen and support each other at all times.

To have faith and be Obedient,

To seek Knowledge and virtue and to have Christ like Charity.

We Are Together Forever!" 

"We Are Together Forever" is our family motto. Every night at bed time after we have family prayer with Rose we each put our hands together and chant it-like in a baseball huddle. Rosie loves it and we don't want her to forget that she is ours forever:)

 

Parenting

I walked into Rose's bedroom this morning to get her ready for preschool and as I opened the door her morning greeting to me was, "I singing." "What are you singing?," I asked, as she started to sing "I am a child of God." Sometimes this little girl catches me by surprise, when I am expecting to hear "Twinkle, Twinkle little star," or "Popcorn Popping." These little moments with her happen periodically that help reboost my "Mothering" role. You wouldn't know from the way she was acting this morning that a few 12 to 13 hours earlier Mr. B and I were listening to a full on screaming/crying tantrum in the car the whole ride back from Grandma's house because we told her she couldn't have desert because she didn't eat any dinner.
Parenting is hard. So many times Mr. B and I look at each other in desperation wondering "what the heck do we do about this attitude, or saucy response, or stubbornness." How do we teach her to be respectful, caring and sensitive? This morning I ordered a book that I am hoping will give Mr. B and I some direction on a parenting style that will work for Rose and her personality, but sometimes I wonder if we are just overreacting. She is 3...and 3 is not easy, from what we have been told. So, besides the tantrums and the stubbornness of Miss Rose we have moments, good moments that pull us through. We went camping this past weekend and I loved watching the carefree way she could run through the field, flying a kite, picking dandelions for Mommy and blowing on the little white puffy weeds(don't know their official name). It was wonderful to see Mr. B teaching her how to fish and pet a pony. Every day and moment we have with Rose is an adventure. I love when she will walk up to me and while standing tall and looking into my eye's she'll sing "Teach me to walk in the light of his Love, Teach me to pray to my father above, Teach me to know of the things that are right, Teach me, Teach me, to walk in the light." (yes, she has done this a couple of times). This of course happened the morning after I had spent the night on my knees praying that God will help me know how to raise Rose, the way He wanted me to. It was as if God answered my prayer through her saying, "I already trust you to do a good job, keep doing what your doing." Its amazing the amount of Love I have for my two daughters. Thankfully one has already made it back to heaven, and is perfect and hopefully the 24 days I had to be her Mother I played my role well. Now we have a crazy, sweet 3 year old who's parents don't know what they are doing and are just trying to take it one day at a time and hope that we don't cause any lasting trauma to her childhood. I found a new quote I am trying to live my life by. It says:
"Don't let the sadness of your past,
and the fear of your future
ruin the happiness of your present."
I was listening to a talk this morning about the importance of Husband and wife and children. I wanted to share it with you. Many things in the talk touched my heart, buoyed me up and helped me realize that I'm not alone, and that I can raise my Rose and through my Love, patience and kindness with her, she will make it through, we will make it through, and we will all be able to be with our little Ruby again, as a family unit.

It is called "And a Little Child Shall Lead them," by Boyd K. Packer
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/and-a-little-child-shall-lead-them?lang=eng&media=audio

Crispy Fried Bacon

As I am sure is obvious, I am not quite back into the cooking mood yet and this week was able to accomplish one cooking adventure from Harry Potter. Yes, I cooked bacon. (I know, its a bit pathetic of me, but its now Saturday and I'm just in the chillin mood not in the cook up a storm kind of mood.) Bacon shows up on Harry's breakfast plate the morning before taking on the dragons in the Triwizard tournament. (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, C. 20)
I cooked up this bacon to go with some homemade french toast I was craving. I decided to cook the bacon on top of the stove in a pan instead of in the microwave or oven, regretted that decision instantly! Everything including me was covered with grease splatter and my house filled with a thick bacon smoke. In a normal situation this would have been fine, because I truly do enjoy the smell of cooked bacon, but the french toast was not cooking up well. The bread kept ripping and tearing and finally I just threw my hands up and told Mr. B that we were going to Fazoli's for dinner. The bacon ended up being our appetizer:) Bacon of course is given a score of 5, you can't go wrong with bacon:)
English History: "The British were much luckier than their contemporaries in other countries. In bad times, they had more food to eat than did the rest of Europe. Bacon was available even when a depression hit the country some 700 years ago. By the 1800's the lower classes were eating bacon almost every day for breakfast." ("The unofficial harry Potter Cookbook," Bucholz, pg. 112)
Greif and Healing: This week I have found that I don't think about Ruby every second of everyday like before. I can walk through the day and get things accomplished and then I lay down at night and my mind starts to replay Ruby. I become consumed with thoughts of her and toss and turn until I can finally fall into a deep sleep. The hard thing about these thoughts is that the parts of Ruby's life I am remembering are the parts when she is at her sickest dieing. I also think about everything I wish I could go back and change the moments I shared with her to be perfect ones. I have to remind myself that it is in the past, it happened and Ruby still loves me. I also have to remind myself that I had just given birth and was truly exhausted and living off of pure adrenaline most of her life. I'm sure this phase of memories will pass, but its been a bit hard to want to go to bed this week.

Harry Potter Meal Catchup:)

Scotch Collops
(Pan-Seared Steak with Onions and Mushrooms)
Pg. 141
Score: 3

Cinnamon Pull-Apart Breakfast Rolls
pg. 114
Score: 3

Potatoes Baked in Their Jackets
pg. 126
Score:4
I took out the insides of the potatoes and mixed it with some shredded chicken, mayo, cream of chicken soup and Garlic Mrs. Dash. Very Yummy and easy meal!

Paddington Burgers
Pg. 29
Score: 4
Homemade Burgers are always very yummy!

Best for last: Lemon Meringue Pie
Pg. 15
YUMMY!!!!
Score: 5

Vacation has thrown me off of my schedule. Here are the pictures and the names of the meals I have made the week we left for vacation and this last week. Next week I will hopefully be back to my regular routine. I know you all are dieing to read my full food/healing reviews:)

Pictures Say a Thousand Words!!!

Buckle up! Its gonna be a long trip!

Whats vacation without a bit of McDonalds??

Brian with Cousin Katie

Weeeeee! The coolest park! We needed to stretch some:)

On the road again

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY ROSIE!

Us with MaryKay's family in Flagler Beach, FL. One more day til the Cruise!

Snow white is ready to Party! Even if she's not on the ship!

I'm very proud of how lightly I packed:)

Woot Woot! Disney Dream Cruise here we come!!!

Lets just say Disney took our breath away! AMAZING!

Off to the deep blue sea aka ocean.
As we set sail the Boats horn would toot out various disney theme songs, while the other cruise ships around us would just toot their horns. It was soooooo magical. We knew we were on the right ship! :) aghhhh, so exciting!

Yeah, sleeping while sailing to the Bahama's. Who does that! Wake up sleepy heads!

Princesses EVERYWHERE! Dream come true (even for my inner child!) They also had all of the other disney characters. Pretty much we felt like we were living in the Disney Castle!
All of the workers would call Rose a "Princess!" I think we heard that 100 times a day! It was so cute. I was waiting for them to start calling me a princess too;)

MICKEY!

Rose playing in Andy's Room, from Toy Story. Rose LOVED the slinky dogs! She also loved the bottomless princess dress up in Tinkerbells room!

Nassau
Yes, we checked Rosie into the child center on the boat and Brian and I went on a date, in a foreign land and had a blast!

Once a boy, always a boy:)

Family Pic!!! We're in the Bahama's with Mickey and Minnie!!!

Yes, they even let you eat Mickey while on the boat!

They had a New Years Eve party one night while we were on the boat. We of course had to go to it since this trip signified to us the beginning of a New Year and hopefully New healing! It was fabulous! We danced for an hour and they even gave Rose and I silver New Years Eve Tiara's and Brian a silver top hat!!! It was PERFECT!!!

LOVED our stateroom with a Verandah! LOVED our cleaning lady more! She straightened our room up 3 times a day and we ALWAYS had chocolates waiting on our bed for us when we came into our room at night. Sooooooo wish I could have brought her home with me!!!

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when your fast asleep..."

The Disney Dream is HUGE!!!

You can't see it but a statue of Mickey is hanging off the front of the boat.

You know your in Paradise when the water is blue!
We are on Disney's private beach Castaway Cay for the next few pictures. This was our most FAVORITE stop!

Yes, we sponsored a crab for the crab race. His name: AWESOME POSSUM, Owned by: FLIPPER=Crab #4, Awesome Possum kicked the other crabs trash!!! We Won! That was the most excited I have been in a long time! Seriously, you need to experience a crab race! :)

Yes, we went biking on the Island. It was our favorite excursion!!!! Sooooo beautiful and relaxing. Even Rose loved it!

We didn't a picture of it, but they have 2 water slides on the Island that shoot you out into the ocean! It was sooooo fun! Especially with all the fish swimming around your feet!

Gosnell 2012

Rose's new favorite toys! Her Princess'. Yay!

Pirate Night!!! Argh! They left us all matching bandanna's on our bed...and yes, they still left us chocolate that night, FABULOUS!

The sleeping Pirate!

AMAZING!

My MOST favorite towel animal! Its wearing my Sunglasses!!! Heehee.

...Someone was a bit of a grouchy pirate that night bet you can't guess which one...They had a pirate show they put on and yes, afterwords they had a firework show in the middle of the ocean on a beautiful starry night!!! LOVED IT!

Good Morning Princess:)

Yes, even I needed a few pictures with the princess'. Its my inner girl.

Daddy is Prince Charming for a few more years at least! :)

More Chocolate!!!

Family Pic on the Grand Staircase!

We met up with some new friends of ours on our way home from FL. They live in Savannah, GA and they took us to Tybee Island for lunch. Love light houses, and LOVE the Behms!!!

Rosie giving Baby Thomas a gift. We Love you Thomas! We hope you and Ruby are enjoying Heaven!

Farewell Disney! Thank you for the most fabulous, wonderful, healing trip!
We truly felt Ruby was with us. We thought we could go on vacation and just forget about everything for a week, which we forgot about everything except for one thing, our little Ruby. She was in the eye's of the multiple children we ran into on the ship who had disabilities. We would talk to those kids and hold there hands and our hearts would melt and our eye's would cry and we saw Ruby! We saw Ruby in the Firework shows and realized that no matter what her light will always shine in our lives. And of course in the Disney shows and Disney's motto's of "Believe," "And Dreams Come True." I realized that even though my dreams did not come true, and I Believed they would 4 short months ago, I have new dreams, and I have new things that I Believe in. I guess my Disney trip taught me to be flexible, but most of all it does not matter how far away from home we go, Ruby will ALWAYS be in our hearts and on our minds. Thank Heaven for our Eternal family!!!
I LOVE YOU RUBY! Thank your for sponsoring our most Heavenly Vacation!
p.s. Thank you for your sweet gift! ;)