So, as many of you know early in march I lost my appetite had way too many food aversions and we began to buy ready made meals for a while until I could open up a cookbook and not gag reading through the ingredients...yep, I'm pregnant, again. I was just able yesterday to finally pull out my Harry Potter cookbook and look through it a bit, but until I return to normal (early November) I am not committing to anything that involves food. I still would like to post a bit about our grieving process as it is therapeutic for me to write out what I am feeling though.
Yesterday marked our 8th month of loosing our Ruby. Its crazy how quickly time has gone, or perhaps its just that we become numb to day's, weeks and months and now just look forward to being reunited with her again. Either way Brian and I are realizing more and more that grieving is a roller coaster. We will be cruising along in our life and things will be great, we have been very, very blessed and have so many things to be grateful for, and then it will hit. Like a great bomb I will close my eye's at night and there will be Ruby, in her last moments, I see the doctors, I see the faces, I hear the words and I don't believe them, I know she will live, people don't die-at least they don't die in Disney Movies. So then there I am in shock, holding my newly deceased infant in my arms waiting for her to wake up and she doesn't, and she won't, not until Christ comes again and we can all be reunited. It seems so unfair that anyone should have to hold their dead baby/child, and then I think about it and I feel that I am not being the fair one-I want to keep my seriously ill baby alive. I want it for me so I can hold her and kiss her. And so easily forget that She would have multiple open heart surgery's and suffer a life time of limiting disabilities. So, is it fair that God took her home to him? Was the tender mercy that He gave us Ruby who touched our hearts and changed us forever, even if it was for a short time. And was their a second tender mercy by Him taking her home so that she would not have to live a life full of suffering and pain? I think the answer is yes to both of these, or at least that is how I get through my nightly visions of her last few hours/days. Not all my dreams are bad, I have been blessed with sweet peaceful dreams too. In fact I had one earlier this week that Brian and I were heading to the hospital to pick our Ruby up and bring her home with us, the only problem with that dream is that I woke up...
I found this quote yesterday and loved how absolutely accurate it was with the grief that we have been feeling;
"I was wholly at peace, at ease and at rest, so that there was nothing upon earth which could have afflicted me. This lasted only for a time, and then I was changed...I felt there was no ease or comfort for me except faith, hope and love and truly I felt very little of this. And then presently God gave me again comfort and rest for my soul...And then again I felt the pain, and then afterwards the delight and the joy, now the one and now the other, again and again."-Julian of Norwich
Perhaps our feelings are the new norm. The roller coaster of emotion is just part of our new life. Tears will hit anywhere at any moment and emotions will take us back, and then the next minute we will be at peace and ease again. The hardest part of dealing with these emotions is to not get frustrated with yourself. I have to keep the saying "2 steps forward, 3 steps back" as being a part of my emotional health program. The thing that brings me great peace is knowing that our new family of the broken hearted understand exactly how we feel and understand these crazy emotions!
1 Ne. 21 vs. 15-16 Book of Mormon (also in Isaiah 49, Bible)
"For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son(daughter) of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy wall are continually before me."
Yesterday marked our 8th month of loosing our Ruby. Its crazy how quickly time has gone, or perhaps its just that we become numb to day's, weeks and months and now just look forward to being reunited with her again. Either way Brian and I are realizing more and more that grieving is a roller coaster. We will be cruising along in our life and things will be great, we have been very, very blessed and have so many things to be grateful for, and then it will hit. Like a great bomb I will close my eye's at night and there will be Ruby, in her last moments, I see the doctors, I see the faces, I hear the words and I don't believe them, I know she will live, people don't die-at least they don't die in Disney Movies. So then there I am in shock, holding my newly deceased infant in my arms waiting for her to wake up and she doesn't, and she won't, not until Christ comes again and we can all be reunited. It seems so unfair that anyone should have to hold their dead baby/child, and then I think about it and I feel that I am not being the fair one-I want to keep my seriously ill baby alive. I want it for me so I can hold her and kiss her. And so easily forget that She would have multiple open heart surgery's and suffer a life time of limiting disabilities. So, is it fair that God took her home to him? Was the tender mercy that He gave us Ruby who touched our hearts and changed us forever, even if it was for a short time. And was their a second tender mercy by Him taking her home so that she would not have to live a life full of suffering and pain? I think the answer is yes to both of these, or at least that is how I get through my nightly visions of her last few hours/days. Not all my dreams are bad, I have been blessed with sweet peaceful dreams too. In fact I had one earlier this week that Brian and I were heading to the hospital to pick our Ruby up and bring her home with us, the only problem with that dream is that I woke up...
I found this quote yesterday and loved how absolutely accurate it was with the grief that we have been feeling;
"I was wholly at peace, at ease and at rest, so that there was nothing upon earth which could have afflicted me. This lasted only for a time, and then I was changed...I felt there was no ease or comfort for me except faith, hope and love and truly I felt very little of this. And then presently God gave me again comfort and rest for my soul...And then again I felt the pain, and then afterwards the delight and the joy, now the one and now the other, again and again."-Julian of Norwich
Perhaps our feelings are the new norm. The roller coaster of emotion is just part of our new life. Tears will hit anywhere at any moment and emotions will take us back, and then the next minute we will be at peace and ease again. The hardest part of dealing with these emotions is to not get frustrated with yourself. I have to keep the saying "2 steps forward, 3 steps back" as being a part of my emotional health program. The thing that brings me great peace is knowing that our new family of the broken hearted understand exactly how we feel and understand these crazy emotions!
1 Ne. 21 vs. 15-16 Book of Mormon (also in Isaiah 49, Bible)
"For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son(daughter) of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy wall are continually before me."
I think the roller coaster is the new norm!
ReplyDeleteThis is profound Amber. Thank you for sharing your most personal feelings. It gives me a lot to think about, and to be thankful for, even when times are hard.
ReplyDelete